Day 7

So it’s now been a week since the prescription and thought I’d update with how it’s gone.

The few days absence is probably indicative of how it’s been , but it’s not all bad news and some very surprising.

The side effects still ongoing, the general feeling of being unwell and constantly tired.

Appetite has returned and although still suffering the odd panic attack nothing like before .

I had planned a weekend away this weekend at a festival I had been looking forward to for months, but I decided now is not the best time to go solo camping with thousands of others

Reluctantly I sold my ticket and succumbed to a weekend at home. My thought process was that in the last few days a sort of calm has washed over me at times .

It’s. a strange feeling but not an awful one, and maybe I am feeling a little better. I feel that even though this is a very small step at looking to a brighter future it maybe nothing at all and to feel ill away from home could be so counter productive

It is my birthday this weekend so I’d hate to remember it in a bad way . I have decided to take a weekend break in November . By then my dosage will be correct and side effects hopefully have worn off.

The surprising news is that my OH came to my aid in a way I hadn’t seen before . The support last week and over the weekend has been amazing and although my youngest daughter has been superb , I hadn’t counted on quite such emotional strength my OH has given me

I read somewhere that during mental crisis we blame everyone around for the feelings of despair we are suffering..who knows but for now I’m feeling positive and my problems although still at their height I may be looking over the edge at light at the end of the tunnel

Day 1

After taking the first dose of Citalopram my sleep came very quickly.

I alway like to go to bed early and read . I’m not an avid TV watcher .

Sadly the blissful slumber didn’t last and from 2.30 this morning it was relentless mind whizzing .. I felt like a hamster who was unable to hop off its wheel

I think I finally got back to sleep at 4.00 but finally gave in and got up at 6.

My head is feeling pretty fuzzy and it feels like it’s drifting off my shoulders and floating away.

Not a nice feeling and my mood is pretty low. I think because the atmosphere at the minute is pretty dire it isn’t helping

I’m not sure what is going to happen in the coming days and I think the uncertainty is causing even more whizzing in my noodle ..my fate is to be determined by someone else who doesn’t really care that much about me .. I struggle onwards and hopefully upwards at some point

I thought I could cope

…..and so the battle begins again……

Here I am at nearly 55 after struggling with my mental health for years but never whole heartedly doing anything about it .

I was hospitalised after a serious suicide attempt over Xmas quite a few years back, but due to no bed space on a ward I went from ICU straight out the door and made to promise I wouldn’t do anything like that again.

I’ve had the odd trip to the GP and after feeling a bit better didn’t bother to continue the treatment …something I bitterly regret.

So yesterday at 3.20 I was sat in my GP’s office in floods of tears after an horrendous weekend where my OH and I had another huge row.

This was borne by myself resenting everything he does or in this case doesn’t do and him not understanding how mental health issues are not something to batter someone about …

He constantly used to patronise me about seeking help but not supporting or offering to go with me , in fact he never did anything with me.

We had separated before and I moved well away to get away from him and his family but after 3 years he wanted to come back again as his own Mother couldn’t put up with him and his dog

I did feel sorry for him and agreed but after moving back home again just 6 months ago the same problems surfaced .

I resented having to buy the house, I resented paying the bills and resented buying the food with him handing over some rent money in return.. no help with the clearing up after dinner, no help with the garden, no help at all apart from the odd demolition job on the renovation house project

I’d started to use alcohol all for the wrong reasons, I was never taken out anywhere and birthdays were missed which when writing it down seems pretty horrid but I always accepted it and had lots of animals to take care of to help with the loneliness within a relationship.

The obscenities we both screamed at each other was awful and I am certainly not proud of what I said but it can’t be taken back now and if I’m honest it’s what I felt after years of feeling used and down trodden .

I lived off my investments and found it hard to be the major contributor to the household including the full price of any house we lived in.

His main concern was cars and bikes with no thought of putting money away or taking me out somewhere nice.

Holidays were non existent due to the animal care and to be honest I’m not one for lazing on a beach in the sun, I am a home bod at heart and like nothing more than decorating and being around the house

….but enough of the why’s and wherefores as it involves people who can’t respond and that isn’t fair although I’d always keep their anonymity

My blog will be about my journey , my feelings each day and how my continuing treatment either helps or hinders me .

My layout is pretty rubbish as I have a lot to learn but hopefully maybe someone might read this at some point and recognise themselves in a similar situation

So yesterday was day one with the GP, with limited time I think I spent most of it in tears. My OH is leaving me this weekend and looks like I will have to take care of his dog as well as my 5… problem his is very large and I am unable to walk him on my own, he is also very nervous so this is stressing me out so first hurdle I have to manage.

My GP was new as I had to move to a different surgery . She was very empathetic but with limited resources we went through the prescription route .

My first one was Citalopram at 10 mg with a review in 2 weeks .. the first one was taken as soon as I got home thinking it will possibly work straight away.. I know , but I was desperate for some relief ..this is the start of getting my life back instead of being crippled by anxiety and depression

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

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